A gorilla could totally take a lion in a cage match...

I recently had the fortune of a learned colloquy with a man whom I consider a great friend...and this forthcoming story presents the reasons why he should be shanked like a little bitch in prison....

In the spirit of March Madness, a dear friend of mine took up the task of creating a 32 beast bracket, which, alliteration aside, represented, in his myopic mind, the bestial hierarchy. Among such regal creatures as the polar bear and the hippopotamus, he saw fit to pit creatures great and small (athankyou James Herriot (and some random Anglican hymn)...) in a ragin-cagin' death match.

Among the first rounds were the obvious 1 seed-8 seed matchups of the Salt Water Crocodile and the Cassowary, but there were also the more intriguing 2-7 matchups of the Lion and Gorilla. Although after great discussion, on my part that it was a cage match and not a desolate savanna match, the Gorilla upset the Lion in a VCU /Duke scenario...(By that I am not implying that VCU defeated Duke with its overbearing intelligence, wit, and guile, but that Duke died of gonnorhea exacerbated by an exceptionally unfounded belief of superiority- at least in my mind...)

More intriguing was the Sweet 16 matchup of the Gorilla and Hippopotamus. Sure the Hippo outmasses the Gorilla 5-1, but goddamit, if Koko could learn sign language, she could learn to use a fucking blade.

Yes more humans are killed by a hippo every year than are killed by gorillas, but that is a horrid statistic. As one W. Wade Berryhill is wont to say, "Figures lie, and liars figure." Jane Fossey lived with gorillas of the mist, not hippos of the short-bus Gorillas can be civil beings, and I am sure that if given the chance and continued education, they can be taught to use a slick-ass machine gun against their enemies - like in the Matrix.

Sheer mass aside, the hippo has the distinct disadvantage of being an ignorant, portly motherfucker, who truly should stick to being an herbivore. Gorillas on the other hand are omnivores, and if given the chance (and a big machete) would totally have hippo-en-croute with a watercress salad.

The foregoing opinion, let it be said, is mine alone. But honestly, would you put money on a hippo in a cage fight against a Gorilla? I put it to you Greg.