Eminent Domain

An interesting clip from an upcoming documentary on eminent domain, questioning the value of condemning private property to make room for fancier private property...

Flutter is the new Twitter

"If Twitter is microblogging, Flutter is nanoblogging."

"At first I was like, there's no "I" in nanoblogging, but, you know, there is!"

Like Russian Roulette

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/30/health/30states.html?_r=1&th&emc=th

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeffrey-levi/the-swine-flu-response_b_192911.html

Reason infinity for why health care funding shouldn't be one of the first on the chopping block.  It should be one of the last.  Even if you don't believe there's a moral or constitutional imperative (I do on both accounts, but I'm a pinko...), there's economic incentive (economies of scale, the fact prevention is cheaper than treatment, and preparedness is cheaper than haphazard emergency response), and there's certainly something to be said for a duty to effectively defend against invisible threats to our national well-being.    

Specter Switches Parties

Huge news! Let's discuss.

This is a perfect example of what the stages that the Democratic and Republican parties are in right now. Starting in the 1990's Democrats started requiring an adherence to certain party principles and created (at least the perception of) a party that was super liberal and unwilling to compromise and get things done. They got over it after 2004 and begain to realize that liberals can't win in certain parts of the country and you need to be a big tent because the country is a big tent.

Republicans need to learn this lesson but we haven't seen any inklings that they have started to yet. It is ironic that the Rush Limbaugh's of the world like to claim that the Michael Moores, Janeane Garafalos and Amy Goodmans of the world run the Democratic party when the truth is that the far right has way more control over the direction of their party than the far left has over its.

Maybe this is why Chris Matthews bowed out despite his constant Pennsylvania pandering!

Corporate Tweeting

Apparently not only are companies now managing official Twitter accounts to disseminate information to shareholders such as quarterly reports and other meeting info, but it's a practice the SEC has encouraged (having its own own twitter account) in addition to using corporate blogs.

The problem this fantastic WSJ article suggests is how do you create sufficient disclosures in 140 characters? Apparently that's not such a big deal if you have a disclaimer that the information does not itself suffice for a disclosure requirement. The trick then is to give a short clip of the news and include a proper disclaimer, all of which would have to be under 140 characters. Sounds like a job for a UR-contract drafting trained 2L.

Sending the Wrong Message...

There is an ice cream truck in my neighborhood, a Good Humor one, if I am not mistaken... As I was in my office, I overheard its portentous melodies...and then....then I realized that the tune it was playing was La Cucaracha... I do not think that this is the correct Good Humor theme song. If it were a pest service, like the one in the original Men in Black movie, then I would say - yes, you are using a moderately offensive racial targeting tune in a constructive manner. As it stands now, there is a WASPy child sitting out on his deck wondering why El Senor de Bueno Humor gave him frozen flan when all he wanted was a Flinstone's push-up, and asking the perrenial WASPy question - how the $&@! do you fry ice cream...

Brits hate iReporters, too!

Finally, snarky British people have started taking on the stupidest posts on news web sites and making fun of them. I think perhaps our web site should start to do the same thing, just with American news outlets. The title at the top changes all the time. Today, it is, "If you love Terrorists so much, why don't you go live there?" I think this statement pretty much sums up some of the best posts on news comment sections ever.

Bonus: Check out the tags they use for their posts: animal fannies, credulous nincompoops, delusions of grandeur, miscellaneous prats, normal people, self-appointed sages, etc. We have to step up our game!

Teabagging, iReporting, and Vaginas with Teeth: the Downfall of Internet Journalism

So I was perusing MSNBC this afternoon, and right below the notice that it's "America's #1 News Site," was an article entitled, "Vaginas with Teeth." Clearly I clicked and it was nothing more than a stupid book report categorized in the "Sexploration" section of the news. I have no earthly idea how the article made the top news feed on the site.

And this is on the news site that seems to be the most informative. At least there were such informative news stories as an interview with Michelle Obama saying that their new dog is "crazy" and one about airline regs for the obese.

But I will withhold most criticism for MSNBC because the top story was about the potential Chrysler bankruptcy proceedings. That same informative quality cannot be said of CNN, who apparently has fired its entire Atlanta newsroom (or maybe they're lying when they say they are based there) and replaced it with Citizen Journalists, or iReporters.

God. Today there were videos of the Myrtle Beach fires (replacing CNN paying for the AP feed, which I'm sure is mega-expensive). But also on the page today is a great explanation about how the Taliban are nothing more than hyenas searching for blood, posted by infoaddict in Western, New York. There's also a great story about how video games are sure to save the Massachussets economy. How? Humans will turn into flesh-eating monsters. Trust me. Thanks, jrm125. Now I have the news.

And this whole tea party movement is a bit unfortunate. Although it seems that someone writing a story at 4AM thought, "dude, we sooo should call it 'teabagging.' You know why? Yeah, dude, you know it's when you..." Well, you get the picture. We can't even take real news stories on their face as news. That's just sad. And what did FOX do? Rather than taking the high road like a "fair and balanced" network would, they berated liberals for making a dirty sex joke, giving such reasons as America-hatred. Classy.

What's the lesson? Read Drudge. His journalistic ethics are getting quite admirable these days.

In Defense of Canada: Part II - Curling & Self Deprecation

This is "Tournament of Hearts" by the Weakerthans, a band from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Not only are they a phenomenal band, but they're Canadian - and making fun of curling.

Also, there has been a little confusion about the status of Celine Dion as being Canadian. She was Canadian. We traded her in 2002 to Iceland for Bjork and some mineral water. Unfortunately, Iceland kept the swan dress. I would say look the trade on Wikipedia, but my editing privileges have been revoked after attempting to "confirm" that earlier this morning...

To law school or not to law school?

Stolen from a friend's Facebook page:

"Should I get my JD? What is your advice for someone thinking about going into law school?"

Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to squander your existence sitting in a lifeless office, churning out ultimately meaningless paperwork? Then yes, get your JD. Listen to me people: There is a reason that lawyers have the LOWEST job satisfaction of any profession in America. THE JOB SUCKS. It is horrible. If you know any lawyers, ask yourself: Are they happy with their job or their life? 90% of the time, the answer will be no. If the answer to that question is yes, then ask yourself, "Do I like that person." The answer will be almost always be no. The only lawyers who like their jobs are the sketchy ones that are the reason lawyers jokes are so prevalent and popular. Do you want to be that person? If so, then yes, get your fucking JD."
-Tucker Max

Disbar Bybee!, cont'd.

Apparently, I am not the only one who thinks that we might not have a good case in U.S. courts against the CIA operatives in Gitmo; Bybee himself discussed the application of the Cheek case as it pertains to torture. Apparently though, he and I are wrong. It doesn't sound like Cheek would apply after all. The discussion below this post points out the difference between specific intent and willfulness. In this case, the operatives would have had the specific intent to commit the acts of torture, and the good faith defense in Cheek does not negate specific intent, only willfulness, which states that people need to know what they are doing is illegal. Therefore, the operatives would need to show that there was a requirement of willfulness that applies to laws banning torture.

For my Anglophiles!

A friend wrote this article for Mental Floss. Who wants to go with me to the Lawnmower Museum?

Disbar Bybee!

In the wake of the release of various torture memos, President Obama has stated he does not believe that the people who committed torture under the impression that they were legally allowed to do so should be prosecuted. I am not certain I agree with that thinking, but the question is: if we wanted to prosecute them, could we?

Certainly, anyone can prosecute them, but would we be able to put someone in jail for such behavior? In Cheek v. United States and Ratzlaf v. United States, the Supreme Court held that if you have an honest, good faith belief that you are not breaking the law, then you do not have the willful intent necessary to commit a crime. This ruling only applies to areas of the law that are complex, like tax law. However, one could say that CIA interrogation protocol is pretty complicated. If these people thought they were covered by the law, then they did not have the specific intent to commit the crime.

Generally, ignorance of the law is no excuse, but the Court did not want to punish a good faith misunderstanding of complex laws. Some courts point out that tax regulations, for example, are mala prohibitum (regulatory crimes like tax evasion) as opposed to mala in se (crimes that are evil by nature, like murder), so the ruling makes sense in all regulatory situations. In Staples v. United States, Justice Thomas stated that ignorance of the law can be an excuse, but it cannot be if you are dealing with, for example, a hazardous product that obviously would have regulations that you should have checked out. In the torture situation, it would be fairly evident to a CIA operative that interrogation techniques would be well-regulated, but if an operative had access to a letter from a DOJ attorney stating that waterboarding was okay, a non-lawyer could reasonably believe that such a memo was authority enough for what they are doing.

Some would argue that waterboarding is mala in se and that the operatives should have known that it was per se illegal. However, I think that the average CIA field operative probably participates in a lot of activities which would be considered mala in se illegal in my world, so their authority is not so clear cut.

The real problem lies with the lawyers, like Bybee, who drafted the memo. The torture memos show poor work by attorneys who quite obviously avoid any mention of cases which state that techniques like waterboarding are illegal. Bybee and his colleagues were telling the White House what it wanted to hear without regard to what the law actually said. I can certainly understand that one would want to provide the reasoning that helps the White House. However, no lawyer should be disregarding established law to the contrary of what he wants to prove. No one has said Bybee and his colleagues will definitely be prosecuted, but regardless, they should at least be disbarred.

How Smurfy are you?

On a lighter note, 7 facts about Smurfs:

• Smurfs are said to be three apples high. Mama Z thinks that this would make it hard for them to live in mush-rooms. However, this ignores the obvious fact that those were just homes made to look like mushrooms (or they were magically large mushrooms, definitely one of those two).
• Gargamel was often trying to catch 6 smurfs for a potion that would allow him to make gold. I am fascinated by what properties could exist within a 3 apple high, blue creature that could produce gold. And why 6? It probably has to do with smurfiness.
• One of the teachers at my high school looked exactly like Gargamel.
• I won 2 CDs from WALT 1600 AM, the Davidson student radio station, by answering a question about Smurfs. I believe it was, "What is the name of the cat on the Smurfs?" I, of course, answered, "Azrael." The guy on the radio had the nerve to tell me I was wrong and the right answer was Gargamel. I eventually convinced him I was right. All of this happened on the air. (The CDs were the MOD Squad Soundtrack and Crack the Sky's "Dog City" - my favorite song is track 3.)
• As everyone knows, Smurfette was not an original Smurf but was created by Gargamel as a way of infiltrating the Smurf village. What a great plan!
• We all remember Brainy Smurf, Handy Smurf and Lazy Smurf. But did you remember that their is a Reporter Smurf? Only one hundred people live in Smurf village. Is reporter an essential job in that situation?
• Did you know that Smurfs are Belgian? True story. Created by a cartoonist named Peyo (one name) in the 1950s.

Why does Joe the Plumber hate me?

I really should be writing a paper on criminal tax evaders, but I have to discuss this news: Joe the Plumber is holding an election to abolish the IRS.

Joe has started a new web site on which you can vote to keep the IRS or abolish it. It costs 99 cents to vote though, so bring your credit card. He promises the vote will not be ignored. He's going to take the results and lobby with them to Congress. He's hoping to get 200 million votes with 75% voting to abolish the IRS. (Note: There are only 300 million Americans, and only 133 million showed up to vote in the 2008 election. However, since Joe's system allows voting by text message, you can vote as many times as you like - as long as you pay the 99 cent fee. It's like American Idol!)

Joe's hope is to take the results of the vote to Congress to show them that the will of the people is to instill the "Fair Tax," a somewhat progressive consumption tax. The site has lots of facts and figures about the Fair Tax, though it provides no citations. One dubious claim is that the Fair Tax would increase consumption. Consumption taxes throughout history have shown that they actually decrease consumption, whereas income taxes encourage spending. The opposite is also true: generally, income taxes typically discourage saving, while consumption taxes encourage it. In the United States, the Federal government has an income tax, and most consumption taxes are left up to the states and localities. States like Texas get all their income from consumption taxes. This sort of balance of Federal income tax with state consumption taxes ensures that the government can attempt to stay neutral and not affect whether people spend or save based on taxes.

Since there are no citations, it is difficult to evaluate the accuracy of Joe's claim that the Fair Tax would make all our lives so much better. However, some of his facts on the list "15 Interesting Facts about the IRS" are totally inaccurate. For example, number 12 states that the average family pays over 38% of income to the IRS. This fact is nowhere near true. Even the highest tax bracket of 36% (which, under Obama, will increase to 39%, the rate this tax bracket paid under Reagan), pay an effective tax of 9.2% according to the Wall Street Journal after all the deductions and losses are taken. Joe also is in error when he states in number 15 that Tax Day is April 15th because although that fact is technically true, it is not an interesting fact about the IRS.

My favorite part of the site is where Joe breaks down their expenses and how they will spend the 99 cents they get from your vote. Fifty-five percent will go to telecom service providers; 20% will go toward advertising and promotions (You can get a free T-shirt if you vote now!); 10% to payment collection (a funny one considering he isn't too fond of how much the IRS spends on payment collection, which, by the way, amounts to 1% of what they collect); 7% goes to production costs and their salaries; and 8% is "Leftover after other costs." I love that one.

Oh, Joe. I know you are still needing to stay in the limelight so that you can run for Congress in 2 years, but really? You've essentially become the equivalent of those commercials that ask me to text "JOKE" to a number to get back the funny joke of the day. Maybe this is my fault. I expected more from Joe the Plumber.

Budget Fun!

So Obama has proposed his FY 2010 budget, and today he has asked his cabinet to cut a combined $100M from the proposed amount of $3.5T. That proposed amount is up from Bush's FY 2009 $3.1 disaster. So to deal with the tight economy, he's trying to cut it from $3.5T to $3.4999T.

The comparison that Greg Mankiw's blog gives is that this would be cutting out a $3 latte if you are a family living off an annual income of $100,000. Really tightening the belt, huh.

And what about the deficit? FY 2010 includes a deficit of about $1.2T (or $1.1999T) hopefully will add to the national debt currently sitting at about $11.1T. Fantastic.

Ben is so creepy

It is official. Michael Emerson can make anything creepy.



I would watch a show with him reading the phonebook. Are you with me? It would be riveting. He would come off as some crazed serial killer looking for his next victim.

Right Now... Eddie has his hands full.

Inspired by the awesome people in the photo below... a flash from the past.

Right Now, I am irrationally nostalgic for Crystal Pepsi.

I swear I am doing work...

Studying tax law is fun. Not only do you get to read about people who think they understand the law but really don't and have judges issuing injunctions just to tell them to shut up, but you also get to look at current events. Today's example? The tea parties. Despite my general loathing of tax evaders, I am quite fine with paying lower taxes, so I'm okay with these events as a form of protest and publicity. However, the name "teabagging" was unfortunate, right? We can all agree to that fact? With that in mind, I submit to you this photo, which might be the funniest thing I have seen in quite some time. It combines my love of taxes, law, grassroots organizing, and Crystal Pepsi!

Being in grad school is a blessing and a curse right now.

This article about business students who are looking outside the traditional venues for employment in this market has applications for law students, too. As in business school, law school has too often been about the brass ring.

My favorite line: “All of a sudden, I saw that a lot of Wharton people were interesting.”

The Great Neti Pot!

Forlorn Conservative,

Are you jealous of my nasal passages?

Mama Z

The Gays Oppress Christians, Abuse Children, and Steal Your Bibles!

I consider myself a Christian. I was raised a Christian. I pray. I attend church services. I love me some Christmas. I've never really felt oppressed by the fact that I went to public school and couldn't pray there. Maybe it's because I know how to pray silently, so I could do it if I wanted to anyway.

Also, I have definitely never felt that my ability to be a Christian was threatened by homosexuality. I've never heard that a gay couple got married and thought, "Honey, is our marriage falling apart as a result of two people not like me committing themselves to each other?" I've never thought, "Are those gay people? Oh my! Their relationship means I can no longer worship God!"

The only gay relationship that I can see affecting my marriage would be if my husband had a gay relationship. Of course, I still don't think that would affect my religious beliefs. Until someone can explain how someone else's relationship affects my relationship or my ability to believe what I believe, I will not understand that leap in logic.

I grew up around people who make videos like the one below, but for the life of me, I could not figure out why those people felt so oppressed.

Roots of the Financial Crisis

Here's a really interesting (and pretty good) take on the current financial state. It's entirely conservative and while I disagree with 1) the view that altruism in government is always a bad thing, 2) the view that the FDIC is totally worthless, and 3) the view that we can just return to the gold standard, the article does make some good points.

First, we have to be careful when government subsumes market principles to "doing good." I do think we as a nation gain a competitive advantage when we see that we are more stable as a nation, and protect those who cannot protect themselves, but the article points out ways in which our "doing good" has instead made us less stable.

Second, while it is good that the FDIC stands behind bank account deposits, it does allow those banks to adjust their risk models and issue credit that is riskier than they would issue if the federal government were not standing behind such guarantees. As an effect, it allows banks and other financial institutions to view the short term in higher regard than the long term. Bank account guarantees allow the self-interest motivator of the free market to turn into greed when liability is not allowed to attach to these institutions in full.

Finally, blurring the line between the public and private finance sectors is a bad thing, not a good thing. GSEs like Fannie and Freddie seemed like a great idea because it was a compromise: combine the stability of the federal government with the freedom of a private corporation. But what resulted was that we combined the worst elements of each and allowed a private corporation, which affected the markets as a whole in a way that a government entity could not have, to do the public policy bidding of Congress. I am not advocating the complete withdrawal from public control of private finance, but Congress and the Fed (through overly-aggressive inverted yield inflation controls) need to show some self-control and not masquerade their control of the private finance market. It all goes back to risk analysis: bank actuaries can do their job better if it's clearer how public control is intended to and will affect the market.

Palin, the final word (I wish).

According to the attorney charged with the McCain 2008 vetting process, the Palin pick was "high risk, high reward." McCain's response? "I've been a risk-taker all my life."

Didn't I say this last September? Seriously.

Lawst

Our lives suck so bad, you can't even make a good LOST parody out of it.

It's definitely a good news story...

...when the article starts out like this:

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is announcing new efforts to freeze pirate booty[.]"

I am a fan of God...

...but I don't need to put him on my facebook page. There are words for people that feel such a need.

Veggies are good for you! Who knew?!

And cookies and fries are, well, you know. Not so, says this study.

I had no idea this could count as news, or better yet, who would fund such a study...

Oh. The article clears that up. My apologies to Ottawa: "The Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada and the Canadian Institutes of Health supported the research."

Now go lay off the syrup.

I would actually WORK for $80,000 a year!

Big firms are now paying lawyers to take a year off. They get 1/3 of their annual salary! This is so nuts.

What would YOU do with $80,000 and a free year? Follow the NKOTB tour? Travel to exotic places? Plastic surgery?

Discuss.

Preparing for Battle

I am polishing up the black pumps...taking the power suit to the cleaners...doing vocal warmups...and practicing saying "reasonable articulable suspicion, bitches" in preparation for oral args next week.

Scottie is going down.

You've never seen Sesame Street like this...

The Count's song...censored...

Judge Learned Hand

Judge Learned Hand has the coolest name of all the judges. It's such a cool name that it is almost unbelievable as a name. According to his Wikipedia page, his full name is Billings Learned Hand. His mother's maiden name was Learned. I think that Ms. Learned and Mr. Hand are a perfect couple due to their awesome names, and I appreciate that they recognized that fact and made sure their son had both names. My husband points out that it could only be improved if he were a professor: Professor Learned Hand. I disagree, however. I think it could be improved if Ms. Learned had married Mr. Brain or Mr. Scholar.

I have reached a new low in procrastination...

That's the sound of the Founders rolling over in their graves...

"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin

So I know I am supposed to be a freedom-hating liberal, but I'm a big fan of privacy. I know security is important, but these machines make me uncomfortable. After looking at this photo, I don't want to know what I look like when I go through one. The ACLU makes a good point about how TSA employees may be able to capture the images of celebrities or people with unusual bodies and post them on the internet. Ew.

Faux Cyrillic

IИ HФЙФЯ ФF MУ PДPЗЯ, ШIКIPЭDIД HДS Д PДGЗ ФИ FДЦЖ CЧЯILLIC.

Good News...

The U.S. trade deficit is at a 7-month low. Too bad imports are down rather than exports up.

SWPL, continued

“I like the guy in the white American Apparel shirt with the glasses.”

“Which one? there are eight.”

“The guy with the keffiyeh.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”

Sigh. Desmond looks really cute in Joy's keffiyeh.

Stuff White People Like

In honor of our weekly Can Can chatauqua (white people also like to make vaguely snobby intellectual references)....

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/page/4/

Menus with no decimals.

I don't get it...

Some state legislators defeated a bill that agreed to expand unemployment benefits in Virginia in exchange for $125 million in stimulus funds. After two years, the funds the new changes in the law could be rescinded if the Federal money dried up. If the General Assembly decided to maintain those changes, they would need to raise unemployment taxes by $4.25 per employee per year. The expansion in benefits was to allow people to receive unemployment while they were in job training programs.

I am perplexed. It is one thing for our Federal legislators to oppose the stimulus funds on principle at that level. However, once the Federal money is coming down, it seems that rejecting it puts Virginia in a poorer place than other states. I do not understand why some legislators felt that allowing other states to receive more money than Virginia is a good idea for the Commonwealth. Since when do states want to receive fewer Federal funds than other states? Haven't people gone to the Supreme Court complaining about exactly that problem? With budget shortfalls like we have in this state, take whatever money we can get!

A Thought on Pregnancy

Does it bother anyone else that when fertilization occurs, cells start to divide in the same way cancer cells divide?

In Defense of Canada: Prelude Brought to you by "Get Fuzzy"

The Tale of the Angry Liver - Part One: Background

(This post has a decency rating of -3.)


Submitted for the approval of the Family Breakfast…[throws powder on the fire, and it goes *poof*]…I call this story “The Tale of the Angry Liver – Part One”.


College. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Fondly do I remember sitting on the quad, pondering ontological existence, smoking my pipe, and reading Donne in hopes that maybe a hot English major would pass by, take notice, and decide to go slumming…


For the record, the above scenario never actually happened…much to my chagrin. What did happen was one day, freshman year, as I was sitting quietly in the substance free dorm, most likely listening to Jason Mraz at obnoxiously loud levels with my window open so that any of the passing coeds would think “wow, that guy has culturally relevant music taste,” there was a rap-rap-rapping on my dorm room door. I opened the door to find two scruffy young lads, sporting their fraternity letters (which I later learned were like yuppie gang symbols in the croakie-wearing, natty-light chugging turf war of dudeness). They invited me to play a game of ultimate Frisbee, and so I took my muttonchop sideburns, and followed them towards a path of immediate acceptance…


I broke my ankle that day.


It was AWESOME.


In the following year, I learned a couple of really valuable lessons – not all personally, mind you, but they were valuable no less.

1. If you are going to sexile a buddy from his own room (a single) – make sure that your beer goggles are not fourteen inches thick. Penicillin cures a multitude of things, but a lifetime of shame is not one of them…

2. A combat helmet may be used in a pinch to create a battering ram, if a friend is about to make a decision as outlined in lesson #1. Simply attach it to your head, run towards the door as fast as your chubby little legs can carry you, and abandon all hope of ever winning that MacArthur genius grant…

3. The “Man” will always try to keep you down. Pee on his leg.

4. God invented Big Gulps for a reason. Pouring grain alcohol into them and floating them in the pool of the Wilmington Hilton, while singing Kumbaya atop inflatable crocodiles (and allegedly a hippopotamus), is not one of those reasons.

5. When a campus police officer comes to your room to break up a party and to ask you politely to turn down the music, it is not appropriate to drunkenly defend the fact that you were playing “Midnight Train” loud enough to get complaints from across the quad…BUT it is appropriate to defend Foreigner if some little piss-ant-newbie-campus-pig-tagalong tells you to “play some better music,” by responding “would you have perhaps preferred Air Supply.”

6. As a corollary to lesson number five, when handcuffed, it is in everyone’s best interest to not begin singing “Making Love out of Nothing at All…” It will simply piss off the little cop, who apparently had something to prove. Asshole.

7. If you have a fifth of Jägermeister, do not drink it in one sitting. You may anger your liver. Scratch that. You will anger your liver.


I can safely say that I did not learn the first one personally. On lesson number seven, however, I can speak personally. As for the others, no one knows...most likely because of life lesson number 2.


And that children, is where Grandpa Nutt will continue another day…

Not to have everything I talk about be basketball related but this is Obama from his speech before the Turkish Parliament:

The ties among our people have deepened as well, and more and more Americans of Turkish origin live and work and succeed within our borders. As a basketball fan, I've even noticed that Hedo Turkoglu and Mehmet Okur have got some pretty good game.

I have said it before, but it is so nice to have a President who is a basketball fan. Such a breath of fresh air. (And, yes that is Obama dunking!)

Oldie But Goodie

Not bad for a piece of equipment built in 1990. My computer from 2000 is dead, but Hubble continues to provide a light year's worth of desktop background images. My favorites are numbers 4 and 24.

It beats "It's a Small World."

Stand By Me from David Johnson on Vimeo.

College Basketball > Professional Basketball

With the Final Four approaching, my inaugural post will be on, of course, college basketball.  Specifically, I propose to defend the position that college basketball is better than professional basketball.  It's a conversation Joy, Matt, and I have had, but since I don't think it's been given the time it deserves, and that's what this blog is for, here goes.  To preface my comments, I will acknowledge my views are probably fairly myopic, considering my personal affiliations.  

Fans

There are indeed lifelong fans of professional franchises.  I can think of many fans who stick with the Mets, the Cubs, the Redskins, and all of Philadelphia athletics through thick and thin (mostly thin).  In fact, these teams may have some of the most loyal fans of all.  But I also think the era of lifelong commitment to a professional team fading, as relatively new sports fans tend to follow particular athletes as they are traded from one team to the next.  

I can't say this is a phenomenon I've experienced in the world of college basketball.  "Nobody ever gets over being a Tar Heel."  These were the words of Bill Currie, a former UNC sportscaster.  And I think it's quite right.  Of course, D-I athletes in particular don't transfer often, but when they do, the best scenario for that athlete is the school's fans wish him the best of luck.  This was the farewell Alex Stepheson got when he left for UCLA last year.  As far as athletes who leave school early to play in the NBA...well, let's just say that I don't know anyone who dropped being a Tar Heel fan to become a Bulls or a Bobcats fan instead.  

College basketball is intertwined with my best memories and experiences in undergrad.  To have felt such oneness with my peers over joyous occasions (rather than the tragedies which also tend to unite) is something that simply does not exist as an NBA fan.  

Continuity

You might ask, "What continuity?" with college players regularly declaring for the draft after one, two, or three years at school.  There are a handful of consistently good franchises in professional basketball (the Lakers come to mind).  But then I must refer you to the Cleveland Cavaliers pre-Le Bron James compared to the present.  James makes that team, and upon his departure, it won't be long before no one outside out that lovely mistake on a lake will remember the team exists.  On the other hand, a Cinderella team in college basketball can become a powerhouse in as little as ten years -- without one or two players, or even an entire class of players -- making or breaking them (see: Gonzaga).  

I can also sympathize with the financial decision many college athletes make in deciding to go pro.  Almost all of them are on scholarship because they need it to attend college of any kind.  For many of them, basketball is their ticket out of whatever lives they once struggled through -- for themselves and their families.  This says nothing of the sacrifice their families made to schedule around work to attend games, pay for basketball camp, and the other luxuries needed to become a high-performing athlete.  There are, sadly, very few Tyler Hansbroughs in the world of college basketball, with well-off orthopedic surgeons for fathers.   

On the other hand, professional players financially motivated to switch teams garner much less of my sympathy.  The 2009-2010 minimum salary for a rookie is $442,114.00 (the President of the United States, perks aside, earns $400,000.00).  While I'm certain it'd be nice to earn twice as much playing for another team, at that point, it just becomes plain impolite to ditch your fans and teammates.  Oh, and as an aside, doesn't the notion of "team" and "franchise" being interchangeable terms make you a little bit squeamish about the whole thing?

Student-Athletes

You might laugh at this one.  Communications, Sociology, and Exercise and Sports Science are probably the three top majors for basketball players at UNC.  The NCAA's minimum requirements for academic eligibility are below that of other students.  We can debate the fairness of this another time.  But I have a slightly different perspective on the term. 

Especially at a liberal arts school, where students are given the opportunity to learn and develop their talents in painting and sculpture and violin and voice and drama, I see no appreciable difference when it comes to student-athletes honing their athletic skills.  They learn about strength training, nutrition, and analyzing and playing the game at a higher level.  They're required to take classes subjects in which they may not intend to concentrate, just as any science student who must take an art class to graduate.  I happen to think coaches like Roy teach their athletes a great many intangibles: responsibility, accountability, level-headedness, leadership, sportsmanship, and respect.     

When the school takes the time to hire the right coaches, it can have an incredible impact. Roy Williams has continued Dean Smith's tradition of making players who do leave early promise to come back and finish their degrees.  And they have.  Michael Jordan did it.  Marvin Williams, who left after only one year at Carolina, can be seen lurking on campus every summer as he slowly chips away at his degree requirements.  And, might I add, this year's Inside Higher Education bracket demonstrated it is possible for a high caliber college program to remain true to the concept of "student-athlete."  

The Game

Undeniably, the caliber of play in the NBA is much, much higher than the average college basketball team.  It gets the cream of the crop of the college game.  This isn't a debatable point.

  

However, when an underdog team wins in college basketball, we feel exhilarated.  Why?  Because it's a real life David vs. Goliath.  We feel this way about the schools few have heard about.  We feel this way about schools that never had a storied program that had simply stumbled in the past few years.  Almost certainly, the underdog is not the most valuable college basketball team in a symbiotic relationship with the school, generating a name brand and raising thousands of dollars for its athletics department and, as a result of overflow generosity of alums, the rest of the university as well.  

When an "underdog" team wins in the NBA, I feel a bit disgusted.  They are, after all, paid at least $442,114.00 a year to be worth something.  One or two off years is understanable, but anything more for a professional franchise becomes pathetic.

There's also the post-season format.  The NBA playoffs, well, they make me yawn.  A best-of-five series may yield a result with greater precision, but it lacks the thrill of NCAA Tournament single-elimination.  

***

And there you have it.  College basketball > professional basketball.  GO HEELS!!!

An Ode to Mommy Dearest

Well kids, I'm newly single. You might think this development would bring a great array of important and exciting changes to my life: more free time, fewer silly couples pictures on Facebook, and of course the freedom to eat grape jelly on saltines while standing in my kitchen (a la Carrie Bradshaw). But you would be wrong. None of those things matter. The single most life-altering development in the past week might more aptly be described as a paradigm shift.

That's right: my mother now has leverage.

I'd like to say the relationship between me and my mother is similar to the mutually assured destruction tension of the Cold War -- and she would totally be Russia in that example -- but it's actually more akin to the situation in the Balkans circa 1917. Anyone can blow at any moment, and it's U-Boats and trench warfare here--a nuclear attack would be too easy. You want to fight? I'll blow your leg off.

You see, my mother still thinks I am three years old, and, despite my constant whining to The Forlorn Conservative, I am actually an adult. An accomplished adult. With adult abilities and responsibilities. My mother, however, is uncertain about my ability to accomplish a variety of tasks, including feeding myself and taking the time to notice that it is raining outside. Lovely person that she is, she makes sure to call at least 3 times daily to make sure I'm adequately fed and shod and aware that tomorrow's forecast is party cloudy with a chance of DAMMIT MOM STOP CALLING ME I HAVE STUFF TO DO.

So anyway. I'm newly single, which means I actually need my mommy this week. She's thrilled, naturally, because the power has shifted and I might actually initiate a phone call instead of the other way around. She gets to baby me and tell me my mommy loves me and oh dear make sure to eat something but not too much and did I tell you about that nasty ingrown toenail I have? ("Mother....seriously?") Not to mention it gives her a chance to sing (one of her favorite pastimes, second only to watching MSNBC and recounting to me how many college women were raped, murdered, and put into a dumpster last week). In fact, tonight she sang me REM's "Happy Shiny People" to remind me that I am, in my heart, a happy shiny person. She then said she had to go because the baby was ready for bed.

The baby is my parents' 80-pound black lab. How did I spring from this woman's loins???

But, for all her craziness, I love her. I'm so lucky to have someone who will tell me that he didn't deserve me, that I am loved, and that sometimes it's ok to just let go and sing.

Thanks, Mom.

A gorilla could totally take a lion in a cage match...

I recently had the fortune of a learned colloquy with a man whom I consider a great friend...and this forthcoming story presents the reasons why he should be shanked like a little bitch in prison....

In the spirit of March Madness, a dear friend of mine took up the task of creating a 32 beast bracket, which, alliteration aside, represented, in his myopic mind, the bestial hierarchy. Among such regal creatures as the polar bear and the hippopotamus, he saw fit to pit creatures great and small (athankyou James Herriot (and some random Anglican hymn)...) in a ragin-cagin' death match.

Among the first rounds were the obvious 1 seed-8 seed matchups of the Salt Water Crocodile and the Cassowary, but there were also the more intriguing 2-7 matchups of the Lion and Gorilla. Although after great discussion, on my part that it was a cage match and not a desolate savanna match, the Gorilla upset the Lion in a VCU /Duke scenario...(By that I am not implying that VCU defeated Duke with its overbearing intelligence, wit, and guile, but that Duke died of gonnorhea exacerbated by an exceptionally unfounded belief of superiority- at least in my mind...)

More intriguing was the Sweet 16 matchup of the Gorilla and Hippopotamus. Sure the Hippo outmasses the Gorilla 5-1, but goddamit, if Koko could learn sign language, she could learn to use a fucking blade.

Yes more humans are killed by a hippo every year than are killed by gorillas, but that is a horrid statistic. As one W. Wade Berryhill is wont to say, "Figures lie, and liars figure." Jane Fossey lived with gorillas of the mist, not hippos of the short-bus Gorillas can be civil beings, and I am sure that if given the chance and continued education, they can be taught to use a slick-ass machine gun against their enemies - like in the Matrix.

Sheer mass aside, the hippo has the distinct disadvantage of being an ignorant, portly motherfucker, who truly should stick to being an herbivore. Gorillas on the other hand are omnivores, and if given the chance (and a big machete) would totally have hippo-en-croute with a watercress salad.

The foregoing opinion, let it be said, is mine alone. But honestly, would you put money on a hippo in a cage fight against a Gorilla? I put it to you Greg.

The Calvin and Hobbes theory of LOST.

I think it's somewhat inappropriate that my first contribution to this grandiose blog should be so light-hearted as pop culture analysis, but fear not, I'm not usually this way. Most of my time will be dedicated to making points that Andrew Sullivan won't think of for about 6 months.

I won't even attempt to explain LOST to those of you who aren't regular viewers or are not up to date. If you are in the loop, both you and Hurley understand why it's not worth the effort. So here's the disclaimer: the following does not include spoilers because I don't work at ABC, but I will talk about LOST up to date.

OK. So I've been confounded for quite a while why John Locke is John Locke, because he's anything but an advocate of natural rights and social contract. For him, society was formed only by citizens coming together and agreeing to respect each other. And government could then, as a result, only interfere with people's daily lives if they let them, not only because that's just what they might have wanted, but because that's what they were owed as human beings, something much bigger than birds and trees.

The only real way in which the show has really dealt with it was the period when he was returned from the island, in 2007, and was given the alias of Jeremy Bentham by Ben. Hilarious, yes, at least to me, because though Bentham didn't even live at the same time, they pretty much disagreed on everything. Bentham advocated utilitarianism, a notion that left people used and abused because their worth was left in how they could serve society, not who they were. Locke was most definitely used and abused by Ben when he was back off the island, and was left, literally, for dead. But that was because Ben discovered he could never rid himself of Locke: he needed him much more than how he could use him, a (not so) final triumph of Locke over Bentham.

To LOST's Locke, we are special because we're human, as the philosopher would agree, but not because we have rights that must be respected by those around us. In fact, that's all pretty irrelevant because life will lead us to our purpose and whatever crap we have to deal with is all part of the plan. But that's all personal, and nothing we have control over. Socially, as was brought up to me by RVA Ginger, Locke is really more Hobbesian than Lockean. Thomas Hobbes, being the comic counterpart to my favorite theologian, makes a great comparison.

So here we go: Hobbes and Calvin don't correlate to individuals, but bring together the two big themes the show deals with. Hobbes leads us to think about how people interact in society and how we organize ourselves. Calvin leads us to think about how life sometimes takes all our efforts and laughs at us.

Hobbes theorized some grounding for social contract theory that would lead us to John Locke the philosopher, but the point he's well known for today is that the people need a strong leader to bring them together. Is that Jack? Locke? Sawyer? They all seem to think they know what's best for people because they're 1) smart 2) destined or 3) courageous. But in all three cases, something is missing.

At the same time, Calvin leads us to think about destiny. Call it destiny, election, predestination, fate, or Jack's sheer will, the Island seems to take control of people: redeem them, bring them together, judge them. It gives you what you need, and neither death nor time nor space can stop that force. Locke seemed to get all this early, Jack fought it, Sawyer took advantage of it. But now, Locke seems to have withdrawn because his fate isn't what he wanted, Jack is finally seeing how he's not in control, and Sawyer is just trying to do the right thing.

But a conversation Jack had last episode made the point the advocates of the Christian doctrine of predestination, which has recently been deemed an idea that's changing the world right now, have been making a long time. He wondered whether he should save Ben because he needs to live so that time doesn't warp, or whether he needs to let him die because that's why fate brought him back to the 70s--the discussion doesn't matter because whatever ends up happening was what was supposed to happen, right? You have to make a choice, but the choice won't matter. In the end, the Island decides. Or Christian or Jacob or Harry Potter.

So how does this come together? LOST is about a group of people who are, well, lost. Duh. And obviously, again, in more ways than just being stuck on some island. Calvin and Hobbes beg the question: to find ourselves, is it about who we are or what we do? The comic strip didn't answer this, so we'll see if the show does.

Man that was long-winded.